Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A Relationship

Last night I was lying in bed and texting a friend.  I don't remember what brought up the conversation or anything, but in our conversation my love life was brought up.  I mentioned how I was tired of being a single mom and how frustrating it can get sometimes.  I love my kids to death and would never change anything I have done.  I love them so much more than I can ever explain.  For those who really know me, you know that I believe in God and go to church.  I stated to my friend that maybe God just didn't think I was prepared and ready for a guy yet.  Her response was along the lines that if I don't really have God as a priority and focus on Him, then it is pointless.  She said to focus more on my realtionship with the Creator.  "When you forget about your pursuit of a husband, then He will send you someone."

Her response was so clear and made me think for a while.  I love God!  I do.  I wholeheartedly love him.  But part of me kind of hurt when she said that.  I don't know how to explain it.  Guilt?  Yeah, possibly.  Maybe I haven't put focus in the right areas.  I think I need to work on that more than anything.  I need to have a real relationship with Him. 

I have never been one to preach or put my nose in everyone's business when it comes to religion.  That is one topic I like to leave alone.  I choose to agree to disagree.  Can't we just be in harmony and not bickering about religion?  There are so many religions out there.  I won't turn this blog into some preaching sermon and insist that you all agree and convert to my church if you aren't already. 

Today I have been thinking a lot though.  I am left thinking how God has a plan.  I struggle sometimes trusting his timeframe.  In my mind I just keep thinking the following:
Remember that He has a plan.  Everything happens in HIS timeframe.

So many times in my life I have prayed and prayed thinking that He just didn't answer and that for some strange reason God didn't grant my prayers.  However, looking around I see how He has had a plan the whole time. 

From the time I was little I always wanted to own a house.  I remember that was the great, American dream.  I worked hard and "somehow" got working in pretty decent jobs.  I had steady employment and was making okay money.  I thought it was time to buy a house.  I wanted a house so bad.  It was when prices were sky high and credit was easy.  I will never forget putting an offer in for a house.  Let's be honest- there was no way I could even afford one, but I put in an offer anyway.  I was determined to be a homeowner.  My payments would have been over 50 percent of my income and it was a fixer upper house AND THE MORTGAGE COMPANY WAS GOING TO APPROVE IT!!!  Seriously, they were insane.  I was even more insane for being so convinced that I could do it.  Well, I put my offer in for their asking price and the bank came back and said that wasn't enough!  It was a short sale.  I wasn't prepared to increase my monthly payments any more.  I prayed and I prayed so hard at that point.  I was so mad later when it didn't work out. 

Now at this point looking back to then, I know my prayers were answered IN HIS TIME not mine.  There was no way I could have afforded the payments.  Not even close.  I was so set on having it though.  As a look around me, I have an ever increasing respect for God's timeframe.  It is hard to notice when you are praying so hard and think that He has let you down. 

I am hoping that maybe this whole "OH MY GOSH I WANT TO GET MARRIED ALREADY AND STOP BEING SINGLE" crap will be the same way.  From my earliest memories, I remember thinking I would find a husband at 18 and live happily ever after as they did in stories.  I was so convinced that that was how it was going to work.  I dreamed of my wedding and all the details and colors that would be involved.  I was determined and focused.  hahaha  I wanted to have 7 kids and live in a big house, being a single mom and watching my kids while my husband was working.  I would be the best mommy in the world.  I would bake the best homemade cookies.  I would be the prettiest and funnest.  I was going to be the best wife in the world.  My husband and I would grow old together and be happy.  I wanted it all. 

Now that I look around to the present day, wow!  Time passes and wounds heal. 

I know that I need to not worry about a relationship with a guy right now.  I think I need to focus more on the Lord, my kids and myself.  As hard as it is to say, when the time comes then it will come.  Patience. 

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