Yesterday seemed like one of the worst days of my life. I don't know why, but EVERYTHING was going wrong. I wake my kids up to get ready, as I am getting ready for work, and hear a grumpy little girl getting a little mouthy with me informing me she did NOT want to get up. I get us all ready, get us out the door, get in the car, and go. Driving in traffic to get to work, with people just so RUDE on the roads now days. Uggg... Get to work, happy to be off the road with those crazy people. I get here to be informed I had been doing everything wrong! :( :(
You have to know that I was only trained in 2 days. The girl was moving out of state and hadn't left a big notice, as you can tell. I thought I had handled the situation very well with the given time frame of my training. I thought I was doing awesome, having mastered this job so fast. And then the blow came! "Ummmm Sassy, why did you do it like this? What about this?" "Where is this information" "What!?!" "No, you are supposed to do it this way." "No, that is wrong." "You weren't trained very well, as I can tell?" :( I was crushed. Yes, completely crushed if you must know. I felt so small. So I felt stupid finding out I hadn't been doing as well as I had thought. Long story short, the bookkeeper sat me down and went over everything with me, after kind of being a bit hard on me, which I can't blame her to any degree, considering my faults make her job even difficult to complete without all the information. The way she explained it and went over it with me made a whole lot more sense. But every time she continued to talk to me throughout the day, it just seemed like one more thing I had done wrong. I had to go over everything I have been doing the past 3 weeks now and am still redoing things.
Sitting in a quite office at work, you have plenty of time to think while doing your work. I started thinking about my time off of work while being unemployed. All my working life, I would find myself yearning to be a stay at home Mommy. I have always wanted to be one. Being a single mom though, that is a bit impossible if you get my drift. So when I was unemployed and able to stay home, I didn't appreciate it. I was too stressed out looking for a job. It took me almost 6 months to find a job. Those 6 months I had many fun moments with the kids, but I didn't do as much as I should have. So I sat at work thinking about my kids and how badly I wanted to be home with them. Let's just say it took a lot to keep the tears held back. I thought of how I didn't appreciate it as I should have at the time. I had the time to be with them, but I didn't seem to cherish it at all.
Then I started thinking about my lack of dating going on in my life. This lonely feeling consisting in me, really puts a damper on being happy. I am so beyond happy to have my kids. I truly am. But sometimes I wonder if I am going to be single the rest of my life. I go to church, work and other places and I never meet anyone. I don't understand it. I really don't. No, I am not desperate by any means. I just don't understand sometimes how life turns out. I have always heard these great stories of people turning their lives around, going back to church and suddenly BAM, they find this great guy and live happily ever after. I have been back in church for some time now, and I guess I feel hopeless. No, I don't go to church to meet someone. I go to church because I know that is where the kids and I need to be and because I completely believe it. I just don't think it would hurt for the Lord to send someone my way.
Then the boss asked me to find the key that opened the storage shed out back. The girl who was in this position before me never told me where the key was. So I had about 20-30 key a drawer and I was outside, in the middle of the day in this Vegas heat, trying out every key with no success. My boss told me it had to be one of them. So we kept trying any key we could find. Needless to say, it didn't work. I guess the only key to it is in the possession of one of the guys in the field. So I had to call him up to get him to try his keys out. Oh what a day!
With all these feelings going on, plus me feeling so beyond small because of my work screw ups, I wasn't too surprised when the boss asked if I could stay late to let a computer guy in to work on a printer. I was having such a bad day and just wanted to go home. But I said it would be fine and I stayed. When the boss left, I couldn't hold back the tears. Yes, I started to cry. And it wasn't just one or two tears. It was a lot. I started to think of how unfair things were for me right now. Yes, I was/am so beyond thankful to have this job. I am so thankful to have my kids. I am so thankful to have food to eat and shelter.
But sometimes I don't understand why I can't find a good guy. I feel so out of place sometimes. I go to get togethers and realize I am the only single one in a room, when everyone is talking about how great their husbands and marriages are. I go to church and see everyone sitting with their families and they seem so happy. I, on the other hand, have to take my son out when he is acting up and debate whether to take my daughter with me or have her sit in the meeting by herself, while I get my son to behave so we can go back in.
So I am sitting at work thinking about all this, and I sit back and remember all these really GREAT guys who I wouldn't ever give a true, honest chance because my ex would just come waltzing back into my life, and I would drop anyone for him. I loved my ex so much more than I think anyone would know. And I have finally managed to get over him, but now that I have, there aren't guys flocking around as they used to be. Okay, so guys weren't exactly "flocking" toward me, but I had some REALLY great guys who were REALLY interested in me, and yet I wouldn't give them the time of day, because my ex suddenly decided, yet again, that he wanted to be with me, even though the truth would come out later that it was just a convenience thing. And I sat there wondering if God was/is punishing me for not giving any of them a chance? I don't know. It might sound kind of funny to some of you, but I honestly wondered that. And then the tears flowed even more.
I called my friend on the phone and began to tell her EVERYTHING. I couldn't stop crying. I told her how I was seriously having the worst day ever. She completely agreed with me and knew exactly where I was coming from, because she too is in the same boat. Then the computer guy came in to work on that printer. Now, I must admit I completely looked like crap. Smudged makeup, tears galore, me miserable and on the phone. Yeah, not too great, huh? So I proceeded into the other room and was talking on the phone with my friend while the computer guy worked on things.
I couldn't wait to get home. He finished working on the printer, and I was so ecstatic to leave. Then it happened. The greatest way to add to my horrible day. I almost got in an accident on the freeway! Thank goodness it didn't happen, but it was very close. By the time I got to my grandparents to pick up my babies, I just wanted to go to bed. I walked in to get my kids and I asked my daughter to do something and she started mouthing off. Trust me, it wasn't the best way to have her talking to me with the day I had. We got home around 7:10, and we were going to make a good dinner, when my son screamed, "Mommmmmmmmy!! There ants in bafrooooomm!!!" There were ants everywhere. And they weren't just in the bathroom. They were all over in the hallway. There were ants going in the living room. And I had no idea where they were coming from. So I spent all this time trying to clean them up. Bug spray, soap and a vaccum. In the end, I finished around 8:30ish. Yes, it took us that long. They were EVERYWHERE!
I looked around my house and realized I wasn't even happy to be home. I was completely miserable. I wanted to cry again. I looked around and realized I have way too much crap in my house. And I went to sit on the couch and noticed ants still. Turns out my lovely kids had thrown food back behind the couch. So I went at it again with the vaccum. And when I say they had thrown food back there, it wasn't just a little. I love my kids to death, but I was soooo upset. I sent the kids to bed, not out of punishment. It was just bedtime. So by the time I get in bed, I was exhausted, tired, depressed, and just flat out sad. Then it dawned on me, wow I hadn't even fed the kids or myself dinner. What a horrible Mommy I am. And of course, in turn I got even more sad. Have I mentioned I was having a really bad day?
I had my nightly prayer, and I let everything out to Heavenly Father. I asked him for comfort and help in this time in my life. I said some very personal things and just really, let it ALL out. I was almost in tears, but I held it in from having cried so much earlier.
And when I was in bed, all I could think of were ants being all over me (you know your brain plays little tricks on you when you are in a mood already) even though they weren't. Needless, to say I didn't sleep very well at all. When my alarm was going off this morning, I felt the sudden pain in my hand and wondered what had happened. Oh yeah that's right. I remember. Those stupid ants wouldn't die. So I decided I would hit some of them! Yes, I hit them to smoosh them. And I swear those ants wouldn't die until you hit them and smooshed them about 10 times each. And if you think I was exaggerating, be my guest at trying to kill them any other way. The bug spray wasn't working for me. I would hit them with shoes and it didn't do a thing. So my hand is bruised. Yes, you read that right. My hand is BRUISED and it hurts. Just a painful rememberance of the TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY that I had, and I just pray and plead to have a much better day today.