Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A New Year, A New Me

I would be lying if I said that 2010 has been a good year for me.  At the beginning of the year, I was let go from my job due to "reduction in force".  I had my sister renting a room from me and worked the figures out with how much I would be getting for unemployment and figured that we could make it.  She was paying part of utilities, groceries and her share of rent.  Deep down I thought it would be kind of fun to get a chance to stay home with my kids.  However, those 6 months were so stressful for me.  I was so beyond sad and depressed.  I would spend hours upon hours sending my resume all over the place, including other states.  A draw back to losing my job was I didn't really know myself.  You see at the time, my work was my identity.  Everyone knew me from that company and the crazy hours I would work.  Heck, I knew me from that job.  I didn't know me without my job.  I didn't really know my kids as much as I thought I did.  It took a lot of adjusting.  I was used to going to sleep early and waking up really early.  I fell out of that habit.  I would stay up sending my resume around, online and just mindlessly watching movies upon movies. 

On June 15th my cousin passed away in a tragic motorcycle accident while he was driving to work.  I was so crushed and sad.  I just couldn't believe that he was gone.  My son looked up to him and was really close to him.  At my cousin's viewing, he told me, "When 'Tavis' wakes up we are going to play!"  I couldn't stop crying.  The tears just kept flowing.  My son thought he was just sleeping and would wake up to play soon.  It was so hard on him.  It was even harder for me to watch my son going through that.  It was a painful time for us.  My son would go to my grandma's house thinking that Travis would come around the corner at any time.  That was his buddy.

In the midst of this time frame, my sister completely stopped paying me rent.  She just stopped.  There was always an excuse.  Her check hadn't been that much.  She had bounced this.  Something.  I let her stay there with the promise of her paying on the next check.  She never did.  I had to tell her it was time for her to move.  I was really counting on that rent money, especially with being unemployed.  In the end, she left without even packing her stuff.  My daugther and I packed it all up and cleaned the room out.  I was so disappointed to see the mess she had left.  I had asked her numerous times to clean up her room and she never had.  There was candy and food just sitting on the carpet, broken dishes and everything else.  It took us a long time to get that room cleaned out.  She came to pick everything up and told me she would be paying me $50 a paycheck until she was all caught up.  I haven't seen a penny.  She owes me $800.

When I got the job i found I was so relieved.  That would be short lived.  Instead of focusing on the blessings we have received, I started thinking so negatively.  How I wished we could afford _______________.  Seeing those around me embarking on such luxuries, and I couldn't because I had taken a paycut from my last job.  I missed my old job.  Then I wished I was home again.  After not working for 6 months, it takes some adjusting to.  When you aren't used to someone's personality and you are working for someone who has to be in complete and total control, it can be hard.  I was only trained in 2 days before the girl left.  2 days!  The manager expected me to have it down and I didn't.  I didn't know contacts, companies, or anything.  It had taken the other girl 2 years to be at the point she was at.  How could he expect that in 2 days from me?  In the time I have been here, it has taken some patience, and learning to deal with his personality.  It has been an adjustment. 

As the end of this year approaches, I am letting go of some things.  First, I am letting go of such negativity.  Life isn't for being miserable.  Yes, trials occur.  They make us who we are.  Embrace the trials and enjoy the ride.  Second, I am forgiving my sister for stiffing me.  Things happen and I know I have to forgive her.  This has taken a great deal of time to let this go, but I am.  I wont hold such resentment and horrible feelings for her.  It isn't worth spending my days miserable and hateful.  Next, I am going to start being a better cleaner at home.  I just put it off so much.  I am going to get rid of more "STUFF" at home.  Less clutter means a happier me.  I am going to cook more and enjoy better/healthier foods.  I am going to stop comparing myself to others around me.  I am going to work on being more satisfied.
Out with the old me, in with the new HAPPIER me.  I am thankful for all that we have been blessed with.  I am so thankful for my adorable children.  They are such blessings in my life. I am thankful for a supportive family.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I adore our ward and how loving and accepting they are.  I am so thankful for good, loving friends. 

I will leave you with a quote:  "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise” - Oscar Wilde

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